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| Feature Articles |
8/1/2005 |
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| Cliques, Bullies and Mean Girls |
| Written by: |
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D'Ann George |
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Why are girls so nasty to each other? True, boys are more likely to get into physical fights, but ask any grown man if he has lasting trauma from these youthful brawls, and he'll probably shake his head and say, "That's just something guys do." Ask a woman if she remembers a time when girls were mean to her … and a look of fresh pain will cloud her face. Chances are, she's reliving a memory like one of mine from the seventh grade:
At lunchtime, there were 13 girls who were scheduled to eat together during period B but only 12 seats at each cafeteria table. This might not have been a problem if it weren't for Mr. Dudley, the assistant principle whose sole duty from 11:30 a.m. to noon each day was to monitor our lunch period. Mr. Dudley refused to allow the thirteenth girl to pull up a chair and sit at a corner. Looking back, I think that he was bored with the job and got some sort of sadistic entertainment out of watching our little power plays over who would sit with whom.
On days when one girl was absent, there was no problem because we could all sit together. But on other days, we raced to put our purses down next to each other on the same tabletop and thus stake our claim to membership in the group. Since most of us carried canvas Pappagallo bags with our initials embroidered on the side, we knew exactly with whom we allied ourselves, or whom we excluded, by virtue of our purse placement. The most popular girl, Stacy, always put hers in the middle of a table, and it was the goal of every other girl — including me — to get our initials as close to hers as possible. The further away a girl's purse, the less secure her membership in the popular clique and the more likely it would be that she might be forced to eat alone at a separate table.
At first Stacy was passive in this little game. She simply plunked her bag down with the kind of confidence the rest of us couldn't begin to muster. But one day I guess she decided to test the extent of her power over us. "Whose is that?" she asked, screwing up her face into a look of disgust at the one non-Pappagallo purse on the table.
Now, Stacy knew darn well that the hopelessly unfashionable clutch belonged to me because we rode to school together in a carpool of six girls. My parents had brought it back from Mexico on their anniversary trip, and I loved the hand-painted, wooden artifact in spite of its boxy awkwardness. But I also knew that this comment from Stacy spelled my doom for the day. And, sure enough, girl after girl moved her purse away from mine and followed Stacy to a different table. I remember asking one or two girls to move back to my table, but they acted like they couldn't hear me.
Eating my lunch alone, I tried not to cry, but the sandwich kept getting stuck on that big lump in my throat every time I tried to swallow.
Research on Aggression Among Girls
It wasn't until I read Rachel Simmons' Odd Girl Out (2002) and her more recent Odd Girl Speaks Out (2004) that I saw my pain as something felt almost universally by girls. Simmons interviewed hundreds of young girls and grown women about their experiences perpetrating or being the recipient of mean behavior. What she found is that American girls rarely directly express feelings of competition, jealousy or anger toward one another because our culture teaches them to "be nice." Instead, girls find subtle, underground ways to express these natural emotions — the result is something sociologists call relational aggression.
Typical forms of relational aggression include spreading rumors about a victim to damage her reputation, ignoring her, excluding her from a group of friends, or being friendly to her one day but cold and distant the next. These behaviors are often so subtle that they escape the notice of teachers and parents. Or, even if grown ups do notice, they might dismiss them as insignificant or "normal." After all, girls have a reputation for being civil and sweet that few want to question. But asking questions is well worth the effort, contends Simmons, whose research shows that girls who fall prey to bullying behavior can lose self-esteem that is difficult to recover. If the bullying goes on long enough, they may suffer from feelings of depression and anxiety. Sometimes an "odd girl out" can even grow up to be a woman who avoids close friendships because she fears being hurt once again.
There is no way to completely avoid cliques and cliquish behavior, says Dr. Michael Bigsby, a school psychologist on staff at Githens Middle and Lakewood Elementary Schools in Durham, but certain things put kids more at risk. A child who has a disability or who transfers to a new school in the middle of the year is more vulnerable, for example. Cliques also form in the absence of other supervised activities, like church groups or sports. "The more affiliations a kid has, the less impact a clique will have on her self esteem and status," explains Bigsby.
What puts girls at risk for aggression was also the topic of discussion at a recent conference in Chapel Hill attended by school workers, juvenile justice personnel and health professionals, all concerned about violence among girls. Study findings discussed at the conference indicate that the number of aggravated assaults committed by girls ages 10 to 17 has doubled in the past 20 years. Some triggers include a dysfunctional family life and poor school performance, according to Margaret Zahn, an N.C. State professor of sociology who attended the conference. Zahn also notes some interesting differences between girls' and boys' violent acts: "When girls strike out," she says, "they strike out at a family member or their friend or boyfriend." Boys, she says, tend to target strangers.
How Parents Can Help
A girl who is in danger of being physically harmed needs immediate protection, and parents should form a plan with teachers and school officials to keep her safe. But directly intervening in a situation where no physical threat exists isn't a good solution, advises Simmons. Instead, she urges parents to check girls' social barometers regularly by talking to them about what is going on at school. More easily said than done. Many girls don't open up about bullying situations because they don't want their parents to worry about them, or they may be too young to understand what is happening. Some moms may also have a hard time bringing up the topic of relational aggression because it reminds them too much of a painful "odd girl out" moment in their own childhood.
Letting your daughter know you understand the hidden culture of girls' aggression can help, says Simmons, as can asking leading questions like the following:
• Can friends be mean to each other? How?
• When girls are mean to each other in your class, what do they do?
• Are some girls more secretive about their meanness? How?
• Does the teacher see what's happening? Why or why not? How does she respond?
Things Are Changing for the Better
Since the publication of her books, Simmons says that schools and parent associations are "beginning to look at ways to help girls express their negative feelings in healthier ways." The idea is that girls will always feel jealousy and anger, but, with help, they can better understand their feelings and find constructive ways to express the emotions. For example, the Ophelia Project raises awareness about relational aggression through programs and educational resources that it provides to schools and communities. The project's Web site (www.opheliaproject.org) contains a description of related events and speakers and links for parents and kids who want to know more about girl bullying and relational aggression.
Simmons occasionally feels change in the air at book signings and other events, where women often tell her that they've finally apologized to girls they bullied years ago. "If I can empower just one girl a day to take responsibility for her own behavior, or perhaps recognize the abusiveness of someone else's, that is a day well spent."
Somehow, I doubt I'll ever receive an apology from Stacy. At our recent high-school reunion, she didn't even recognize me. (I thought at least she would have commented on my Kate Smith handbag.) A part of me wanted to walk up to her, re-introduce myself, and say, "Hey, I understand why you acted like you did in seventh grade. It's OK now. I'm over it."
I'd like to say my understanding has something to do with my newfound knowledge of relational aggression and girl behavior. But it doesn't.
I get it because I actually did the same thing to another girl in ninth grade. A beautiful, smart girl whom I really admired but whom I dumped when a clique came along that wanted me but not her. Turns out that the odd girl out and the mean girl can exist side-by-side in the same heart. Now it's up to me to teach my daughters how to avoid bullies in their friendships … and in their mirrors.
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