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| Feature Articles |
3/1/2005 |
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| Are You Ready for a Second Baby? |
| Written by: |
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Sheryl Grant |
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Life on the far side of pregnancy or adoption makes it official — you're a parent. A card-carrying member of the oldest club on earth. In terms of milestones, having a child is without equal, but choosing to have a second child is a quieter affair.
For most first-time parents, having a baby is a blessing, one of the best things we've done with our lives. And yet many couples, despite the joys of family life, hesitate to do it again. Regarding the choice to grow her own family, author Jennifer Bingham Hull quotes Pascal in her book, Beyond One: Growing a Family and Getting a Life (Seal Press, 2004), "The heart has its reasons which reason knows nothing of." For some, the burning desire to have a child is a heartfelt, instinctive step. But recent research shows that other families do deep soul-searching when it comes to having a second child, turning a biological imperative into a philosophical question: Is my family complete?
You're Not Alone
Parents waffling on the issue of whether to go from one child to two are in good company across the globe. Research in the past five years shows that many parents want more children than they end up having, creating an overall trend toward smaller families. Even in Italy, former champion of the large family, many Italian couples are having only one child. A study of West Germans found that couples had fewer children than they desire, and an indication that falling birthrates may have more to do with economic pressures than heartfelt choice. The trend in declining birthrates, according to Philip Longman, author of The Empty Cradle (Basic Books, 2004), is hardly a Western phenomenon, and the general downturn extends to Brazil, China, Japan, India and the Middle East.
In an interview with writer Scott Burns of www.msn.com, Longman disputes the idea that the smaller family size is about selfishness. "One of the reasons [for the decline] is that human beings have created an environment that is negative for childbirth. There is a demand for human capital, but there is almost no reward for it. So people have fewer children," explains Longman. He notes that people aren't producing as many children as they would like for reasons outside their control: "The economy is asking them to do more and more in their best reproductive years. They're expected to get educated, get a job, find a nice neighborhood."
In America, the average number of children is 2.1, according to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, down from 3.7 nearly 50 years ago. Reading between the stats, however, the U.S. Census Bureau reports that single-child families now outnumber families with two children (20 percent versus 18 percent).
Deciding the size of a family is certainly no statistical endeavor, but the facts reflect a sweeping trend — our current child-rearing generation is thinking twice about having second children.
Searching for Answers
My husband and I have a 3 1/2-year-old; we've teetered back and forth on whether to go a second round for the past two years, swinging everywhere from having four (a small country) to throwing in the towel. Our decision-making has been highly erratic, based mostly on polite voyeurism of friends with two children. Taking the anecdotal approach, however, is rife with variables: the age gap of the children and their health; the financial stability of the family; the energy level, age or health of the parents. All of these factors can affect how well a foursome fares.
Some advice for those interested in asking friends whether the seismic shift is greater from zero to one or from one to two: Wait a year to ask this question. Definitely wait six weeks after the baby is born. Absolutely do not ask this question if the mother is recovering from a caesarean while breastfeeding the newborn and simultaneously potty training the oldest child. The most common wisdom I receive about having two is that it's hardest in the early years. Parents of one child can certainly understand this.
Also, an anecdotal approach need not be limited to your circle of friends. Take a few minutes to read online threads of conversation posted by people with precisely the same concerns, and make mental notes. At www.parents.berkeley.edu, parents created a fascinating, honest discussion of whether to expand their families from one child to two. Some contributors cannot have a second, worrying how only children fare in the world; others are too old and worry about the health risks of having a second baby. Those happy to have one child list the benefits: more time with their "only," more time to focus on career, less chaos in the household, less financial stress. Adult "only" children offer opinions that often contradict each other; some felt lonely and isolated as "onlies," others became extroverted and extremely social; some resented the extra attention, others loved the special relationship with their parents. Parents with siblings hold court as well; some detested their brothers and sisters, others can't imagine life without them. Many feel compelled to stop at one for financial reasons, often reciting career choices, child-care costs and the ability to afford houses in good school districts as major concerns.
Bingham Hull's book, Beyond One, is an excellent resource for hesitant parents or moms expecting their second. Bridging the world between one child and two, her essays cover everything from Making the Big Decision, sex after two, new guilt, sibling rivalry, being outnumbered, Dad's new role, finding ways to thrive and more. Parents of one child want more than advice, they want to know gritty details of how marriages can shift, how to connect with both children, finding free time, spacing kids and answering the question that's really on our brain: How will we change? Beyond One may not be everyone's crystal ball of answers, but it's a loving tribute to life with two children, without understating the challenges.
If the hesitation to have a second child is something only one spouse feels, a counselor may help air out issues. Many couples feel therapy happens when things fall apart, but with an issue as important as family size, proactive counseling — before resentment begins to grow — may be a wise investment. An unbiased third party can help listen to what isn't being said, and facilitate arguments that may end in ruts.
The Price of Love
In 2003, Harvard law professor Elizabeth Warren and her financial consultant daughter, Amelia Warren Tyagi, published The Two-Income Trap: Why Middle-Class Mothers and Fathers Are Going Broke (Basic Books, 2003). Full of not-so-cheery news, the authors explain that having children is the greatest indicator of financial ruin. Over a 20-year-period, women filing for bankruptcy had risen more than 700 percent, and Warren and Tyagi predicted that one in seven hard-working, decent, play-by-the-rules families would end up in financial trouble.
Even without the discouraging tone of the Two-Income Trap, the Bureau of Labor Statistics and the Consumer Expenditure Survey publishes its own alarming numbers. For families making more than $65,800 a year, the cost of raising children is estimated at a quarter million dollars from birth to age 17. Families earning $39,100 to $65,800 can be hardly comforted by the $170,460 price tag adjusted for their income. And for families with two children, the cost-effectiveness is marginal, especially in their teens. True, these numbers are averages, and some families may have costs that are higher or lower. Certain expenses, such as medical bills, expensive tuition, bigger houses and new cars can greatly affect the projected costs. But the cold, hard truth is that one child can cost between ten and fifteen thousand dollars a year, not counting the cost of college.
The point is not to scare parents away from having more children, only to say that it's understandable for couples to think hard about having another, given the struggle of staying afloat in the middle class — even with two incomes. It's perfectly OK to want to own a home, afford to pay health-care costs, save for retirement, help pay for college and live in a good school district. Plenty of families make ends meet with two or more, and lovingly sacrifice material comforts for the sake of their children, but it certainly can't hurt to have a long, honest stare at finances when choosing to add another family member to the mix.
Does Size Matter?
It's tempting to think family size will determine everything, but the truth is that the tiny variables of daily life, the ones we rarely notice, make a family what it is. Mostly, the big soup of family life is out of our control — whether our children will get along, whether our son will care for us in our old age, whether our daughter will resent having or not having a sibling, whether our financial situation will improve or decline. Having a family is an ever-shifting balance of give-and-take, have and have-not, joy and pain, difficulty and ease. And this goes for a families of three, five, six or ten. Who shares a roof matters much more than how many, and how we relate to one another matters even more. The most important piece is to sit down with your partner and have the talk.
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