Foul Mouths! When Your Child Swears
Date: September 1, 2012
When kids drop a word bomb, don't lose your cool. Here's an age-by-age guide to cleaning up dirty mouths.
From first steps to first cars, childhood milestones are causes for celebration. Except one: a child's first four-letter word. This unwelcome utterance usually takes place in a house of worship, at the grocery store or at the in-laws' house — at top volume, of course. Short of shunning all social gatherings, can parents avoid these cringe-worthy scenarios?
If your child has picked up a few choice words, take heart. According to Leslie Petruk, a licensed counselor and director of Stepping Stones Counseling and Consulting in Charlotte, parents have loads of influence over children's language. The right response to swearing can clean up bad language — or help prevent cursing in the first place.
When toddlers and preschoolers experiment with swear words, it's the parent's reaction that determines whether those words become favorites. The key is to remain neutral and respond in a calm, matter-of-fact manner, Petruk says. "If a parent has a strong emotional reaction to a curse word, the child immediately realizes that this is a 'high power' word and will likely continue using it," she says.
After a bout with bad language, calmly inform the child that the chosen word isn't acceptable, and that choosing to continue using the word will result in a lost privilege. Petruk recommends employing the same technique, whether kids use a mildly naughty phrase (commonly known as "potty talk") or drop a bona fide four-letter gem. Whatever the offending word, calmly reinforcing the boundary helps forbidden words fade away, fast.
For older kids, cursing is all about fitting in. School-age kids are keenly aware of social cues and some see "grown-up" language as the ticket to a cooler image. "For some, swearing is about trying to portray the image of being tough," Petruk says. But knowing why kids swear doesn't make the problem less vexing for parents.
Once kids are in school, they're ready for an open conversation about personal language choices. Help kids think about the words they use with questions like, "Do you think it sounds cool when your friends use bad language? What do you think is cool about it? How do you think others view you if you use that kind of language?" Avoid a profanity power struggle by emphasizing that kids have choices about which language to use and enforcing consistent consequences for poor decisions.
Peers, movies, music and increasing independence expose adolescents to a plethora of profanity. Many tweens and teens try peppering their own language with these words and phrases — but parents can deflect the influx of nastiness with a strong parent-child bond. "It's all about staying connected to your child and having conversations with them that are nonjudgmental and nonpunitive," Petruk says.
Parents can help clean up teen language by encouraging self-reflection: Ask a teen whether using swear words shows self-respect, whether they are swearing to gain acceptance or feel included, and how they think the language is impacting their reputation. "Having an intelligent conversation with you around the issue is more likely to have the impact you want," Petruk notes. And asking empathetic questions is more effective than lecturing or doling out harsh punishments — two tactics that make teens more likely to use bad words as soon as they're out of earshot.
Malia Jacobson is a nationallypublished health writer and mom of two. She blogs about sleep and family health at thewellrestedfamily.com.