Why Teaching ‘Stranger Danger’ Doesn’t Work


Published:

In an episode of the TV detective series Monk, gruff police captain Leland Stottlemeyer faces a family emergency when his teenage son skips school to attend a rock concert where, as is the case in most Monk episodes, a murder has just been committed. The captain, working with concert security to locate the boy, is chagrined to realize that the most recent photo he has of him is from elementary school.

The lapse is meant to show Stottlemeyer as an increasingly out-of-touch parent, and we're expected to chuckle at his discomfort when his son, safely returned, is furious that the outdated photo is plastered all over the venue.

In a time when child abduction is widely identified as most parents' greatest safety concern, Stottlemeyer's distress over his son's disappearance in an unsavory environment isn't all that funny, and his lack of preparedness-as a police officer, no less-underscores how easy it can be to get caught unprepared. So how can parents avoid making the same mistakes as the fortunately fictional captain?

Understand the dangers

According to a number of studies examined by the National Center for Missing and Exploited Children, a majority of parents cite stranger abduction as their No. 1 concern for their children's safety.

"Abduction has always been our biggest concern," says Julie Ridenour of Holly Springs, who with husband, Rich, is raising stepsons Rick, 22, and Ryan, 19; son J.R., 10; and daughter Grace, 2. "We've never let our [preteen] kids do things like lemonade stands out on the neighborhood corner or walking to the store with friends. ... It just seems like too much of a risk."

Media coverage of child kidnapping and murder cases fans the fear of "stranger danger," raising the specter of the violent child predator who vanishes into the night. But statistics from the national organization that helps parents, schools and law enforcement understand and prevent child predation through education and preparedness show that most child abductions - nearly 78 percent in a 1999 study - are committed by a family member trying to deprive a caretaker of custodial rights.

In the remaining, nonfamily abductions, fewer than half (45 percent, or 9.9 percent of the total, in the 1999 study) are committed by someone unknown to the child or family. This means that when the abductor is unrelated to the child, it is just as likely that the family or child knows that person-as a friend, neighbor, babysitter, authority figure or casual acquaintance.

As a result, NCMEC has long advocated against the "stranger danger" concept of child safety education. Nancy McBride, national safety director for NCMEC and author of Child Safety is More Than a Slogan, explains: "‘Stranger danger' doesn't work on a number of levels: kids do not get it, adults don't practice it, it doesn't go far enough in protecting children, and the dangers to children are greater from someone they or their families know than from a random individual."

The bottom line: Child abduction by a stranger is relatively rare, and when parents focus solely on "stranger danger" without considering other threats to their children's safety, they may unknowingly expose their kids to risk.

Inform and empower your children

Because children don't have the experience of adults in navigating social situations, understanding what a "stranger" is can be difficult for them. Studies show that children using the "stranger danger" model often believe dangerous strangers will be ugly or that someone who knows their name must be trustworthy.

Furthermore, parents can undermine the message without realizing it: You talk to strangers every time you go out (by making small talk with a sales clerk, for example). As such, the "stranger danger" concept can confuse children, and it doesn't address risks posed by people who aren't strangers.

A better strategy, according to the NCMEC, is to talk specifically and matter-of-factly about safe behaviors: Don't venture away from home alone. Make sure a trusted adult knows where you are at all times. Get out of any situation that makes you feel uncomfortable. Report any troubling occurrence to parents immediately.

And because many children are reluctant to behave rudely or disobey an adult, parents need to give their children permission to ignore an inappropriate overture - such as a request for help - and to run away, yell, even fight if necessary, to escape a potentially dangerous situation.

Parents should also talk about when it is appropriate to ask strangers for help and whom to seek out. If you get separated in a public place, for example, kids should look for a uniformed officer or a store employee with a nametag or a mom with kids. If they're lost outdoors, they should stay where they are (or go to the safest place nearby) and make noise to attract attention. Make sure they know their full name, address and phone number so you can be reunited quickly.

"Child safety should be approached in a similar manner to other basic skills," McBride says, "not relying on fear, but rather teaching children how to recognize and avoid potentially dangerous situations through an open exchange and practice of the safety concepts."

Most importantly, assure your children that they can come to you - or another trusted adult - for help, no matter what the situation. "We emphasize to J.R. that he can tell us anything and not worry about, say, threats someone might have made to keep him quiet," Ridenour notes. "We say, ‘Your daddy's a big guy. We're not worried someone might hurt him. It's our job to protect you, not the other way around.'"

Provide guidance and supervision

One of the best ways to protect children from predators - stranger or otherwise - is to monitor their activities and know who they are with. Even as they get older and more independent, you remain your children's safety net.

If your child spends time at home alone, make sure he or she knows basic safety rules. "We told our older boys to keep the doors locked, no guests, don't open the door to anyone, don't tell anyone you're home alone," Ridenour says. "Once we got caller ID, we told them not to even answer the phone if they didn't recognize the number." Set up easy-to-follow instructions about handling emergencies and designate a trusted neighbor as an adult contact in case you can't be reached.

If they play outside, establish geographic boundaries so they know how far they're allowed to go, and have them tell you where they are at all times. Discourage them from going anywhere alone - there's more safety in numbers - and be specific about places that are off-limits.

Safety remains an important consideration when teens are out with their friends. Captain Rickey Padgett of the Durham County Sheriff's Office, who supervises school resource officers assigned to the Durham Public Schools, notes that while being with friends is typically safer than being alone, it does come with risks.

"Out in public, children tend to drop their guard when with friends or in places they visit on a frequent basis," Padgett says. "Plus, there are many other things that, through peer pressure and a sense of wanting to belong, can cause a lapse in judgment."

His advice: Continuously assess your child's level of maturity, know his or her friends, reinforce safe behavior and listen to your instincts. "You as a parent will know what is good or bad for your children," Padgett adds.

Lastly, it's critical that you get to know all adults who have access to your children, according to the NCMEC. Check references of potential child care providers. Drop in and be visible during your kids' extracurricular activities. Get to know the families of their friends. Take whatever steps are necessary to make sure your child is safe with these adults. And don't forget that every state has a sex offender registry through which you can obtain information about registered offenders.

Be prepared in an emergency

If, despite all efforts at prevention, you find yourself in Stottlemeyer's position - searching for a missing child - you stand a better chance at being reunited quickly if you notify law enforcement immediately and have information ready when they arrive. Capt. Padgett notes that police will request a physical description of your child (height and weight, distinguishing characteristics, clothing) and a recent photograph, plus details about who was with your child and where they might be likely to go.

In addition, NCMEC recommends parents keep copies of their children's fingerprints, samples of their DNA and up-to-date dental records. Certainly, parents never want to be in a situation where this information is needed, but it is better to gather it before an emergency than to be without it during a crisis.

Most important, experts agree, is arming your children with information and know-how, not to scare them, but to make them partners in their own safety.

"Today, kids need to be empowered with positive messages and safety skills that will build their self-esteem and self-confidence while helping keep them safer," McBride writes in her article. "Kids don't need to be told the world is a scary place. . . . Rather, they need to know their parent, guardian or another trusted adult is there for them if they are in trouble, and [that] most adults they encounter in their lives are basically good people."

Karen Lewis Taylor is a freelance writer and editor who lives in Apex with her husband and two daughters.


For more information
* National Center for Missing and Exploited Children
www.missingkids.com
Parent resources, educational materials, and helpful contact information such as tip lines and help lines.

* McGruff the Crime Dog
http://mcgruff-safe-kids.com
Information on child safety, identification, fingerprinting and crime prevention.

* National Sex Offender Public Website
www.nsopw.gov
Access to state databases that search by name, geographic area and other information.

What to do in an emergency
If your child is missing, or if you have information about a missing or exploited child:

  • Call 911 and notify your local police.
  • Call 1-800-THE LOST (1-800-843-5678).


To help law enforcement in case your child is missing:

  • Keep a complete description of your child.
  • Take color photos of your child every six months (and keep one with you).
  • Keep copies of your child's fingerprints, samples of DNA and up- to-date dental records.
  • Know where your child's medical records are located.


Tips for keeping children safe

  • Know your children's daily activities and habits. Listen to what they like and what they don't.
  • Encourage open communication, letting your children know they can talk to you about any situation. Reassure children that their safety is your main concern.
  • Set boundaries about places they may go, people they may see,
  • and things they may do.
  • Reinforce the importance of the "buddy system."
  • Tell children it's OK to trust their instincts. They can say "no."
  • Remember there is no substitute for proper adult supervision.


Source: Personal Safety for Children, www.missingkids.com

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Learn about all the beautiful home designs from Stanley Martin now selling in 12 Oaks. Kids will have the opportunity to plant something at the model home while also having fun inside a bounce...

Cost: Free

Where:
12 Oaks - Stanley Martin Model Home
116 Oaks End Drive
Holly Springs, NC  27540
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Sponsor: 12 Oaks
Telephone: (919)-557-6850
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Enjoy a half-hour tour (starting at 1, 1:30, 2, 2:30 or 3 p.m.) to view the main power drive and milling machinery while exploring the mill's history and aspects of its preservation. All ages....

Cost: $5/Adult, $4/Senior (ages 60+), $3/Child (ages 7-16), Free/Child (6 - under)

Where:
Historic Yates Mill County Park
4620 Lake Wheeler Road
Raleigh, NC  27603
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Telephone: 919-856-6675
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An afternoon of accessible theater, music and dance featuring performers with and without disabilities. Enjoy performances by:  Diantha Lopez (Musician), Doug Kapp (Comedian), Eddie Cisneros...

Cost: $25/person

Where:
The Cary Theater
122 E. Chatham Street
Cary, NC  27511
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Sponsor: Arts Access
Telephone: 919-833-9919
Contact Name: Penny Arrowood
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Enjoy free, live performances from the best artists from around the Triangle in front of Stone Theatre as well as kid-friendly activities. 

Cost: Free

Where:
Park West Village
Morrisville, NC  27560


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Enjoy a magical evening of dancing, crafting, stories and more. Dress as your favorite storybook character or dress in your royal best, and take a new look at the library after the doors close...

Cost: Free

Where:
Cameron Village Library
1930 Clark Ave.
Raleigh, NC  27605
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Adults enjoy an evening gala to support Marble's Kids Museum.

Cost: $75/member, $95/nonmember

Where:
Marbles Kids Museum
201 E. Hargett St.
Raleigh , NC  27601
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Walk with a park naturalist to look and listen for wildlife in the woods and fields as daylight transitions to night. Ages 4 and older; children must be accompanied by an adult. Trails are not...

Cost: $2

Where:
Wilkerson Nature Preserve
5229 Awls Haven Dr.
Raleigh, NC  27614
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Sponsor: City of Raleigh Parks, Recreation and Cultural Resources
Telephone: 919-996-6764
Contact Name: Wilkerson staff
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Relive the magic of your favorite wizard in Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban in Concert. Based on the third installment of J.K. Rowling’s classic saga, fans of all ages can now...

Cost: $28-$81

Where:
Duke Energy Center for the Performing Arts
2 E South St.
Raleigh, NC  27601
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Telephone: 919-996-8711
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Come experience the wonder of Japanese koi fish, a living art. Meet national experts and local hobbyists. Learn how to care for your pond and fish. Enjoy various raffles, auctions,...

Cost: Free

Where:
Raleigh Elks Lodge #735
5538 Lead Mine Rd
Raleigh, NC  27612
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Sponsor: ZNA Carolina
Telephone: 919-818-0289
Contact Name: Robin
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Learn basic canoeing skills and a bit about the millpond's history, then head out to explore the pond's many features as seen only from the water. Canoes, paddles, and life jackets are...

Cost: Free

Where:
Historic Yates Mill County Park
4620 Lake Wheeler Road
Raleigh, NC  27603
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Telephone: 919-856-6675
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Annual Guides

Education Guide

The 2018-19 Education Guide offers 678 education resources in the Triangle, including area preschools, private schools, public school systems, charter schools, boarding schools, academic resources and an Exceptional Child special section.

The Triangle Go-To Guide

Our Triangle Go-To Guide connects you to family fun resources across the Triangle. Plus, find out who our 2018 Readers' Favorites are.