Digital Privacy: Is it OK to Spy on Your Teen?


Published:

Most teenagers think cellphones are a birthright.

Most parents think cellphones are a privilege, not a right.

So how do you and your teen negotiate terms by which both parties are satisfied? And should you “snoop” on your child’s online activity?

Set Guidelines

Two experts with experience on how parents and teens navigate an increasingly digital world say the best way to prevent your teen from choosing to sneak around — or to prevent you from needing to spy on your teen — is to outline expectations with your child before you give out that first phone.

Katie Overcash of Charlotte, a licensed clinical social worker who counsels teens, doesn’t like the word “snoop.”

“It has a negative connotation,” she says. “It means you are keeping tabs on your child’s digital use behind their back.”

She says her “whole theme is give and take” when it comes to dealing with children getting their first phone.

“You need to start out pretty strict,” Overcash says. If children use their phones unrestricted until they are 15 or 16, “it will be a problem” if a parent finds out the phone is being used irresponsibly, she says. “As kids get older and show that they are responsible, you can back off a little bit.”

Kate Paquin of Apex, a trained family and teen coach, agrees that parents should set guidelines early.

“The key is to establish strict guidelines, just like you would if they were driving a car or going out with their friends,” she says. “The guidelines can be loosened later on, but they must be set from the get-go.”

Overcash says compromise and finding a middle ground is crucial. “Parents can’t be on the other end of the phone,” she says. “It’s not appropriate and not doable. You have to figure out that sweet spot.”

Paquin, who has three teenagers, a son, 17, and two daughters, 15 and 14, says her children first got a phone because they were involved in sports activities and needed to let her know when they were ready to be picked up.

That was the case for Wendy Emerson of Tobaccoville, vice president of business services at Forsyth Technical Community College in Winston-Salem. She has two daughters, 11 and 17, and gave her oldest daughter a cellphone when she was 12 so she could call when her athletic practice was finished for the day. She did something that both Overcash and Paquin say is a good idea — ensured that her child’s first phone was only able to make calls, not facilitate texting or app downloads.

“When my daughter was 14, we got her a smartphone where she was able to send texts and have apps,” Emerson says. “But we were pretty restrictive. The only apps she could have were games.”

Emerson says she allowed her daughter to add Twitter and Facebook in the past year.

“She asked a couple of times why she couldn’t have more things on her phone,” Emerson says. “We had a very honest and direct discussion about it. She knows at any time my husband and I can sit down with her and go through her phone.”

Emerson says her daughter uses Snapchat and recently had to delete her Instagram account.

“I said, look at pictures your friends have posted on Instagram. For example, there was a picture of a friend holding a volleyball trophy. I said, ‘What do you see in that picture?’ I told her what I saw was that the trophy clearly showed the girl’s name, the school she attended and when she played volleyball. Anyone could take that information and find that girl.”

Emerson handed down her oldest daughter’s first phone to her second daughter when she was 9, but with the same rules.


Education is Key

Overcash says parents should know all of the passwords for their teen’s social media accounts. But that is not enough.

“Parents need to educate themselves about social media and apps,” she says. “Find out what sites your children are using and find out how the sites work. Talk to your kids. Say ‘What can you do on here?’”

She explains that teens’ brains are not completely developed, especially the part that understands long-term decisions. “Sometimes kids post something and get in trouble for that,” she says. Maybe they are kicked off a sports team, or get sent to the principal’s office. They don’t completely understand what has happened.”

Overcash says in those cases parents should “sit down with their teen, and ask them what kind of message [they] were trying to put out there, and what [they] thought people would get from it?”

Paquin, who teaches a class called “Social Media for Parents of Teens and Preteens,” agrees that parents need to be educated. She sets strict guidelines on her children’s phone use.

“Each night at 9 p.m., the kids hand the phone to me for the night,” she says. “I don’t want them staying awake using the phone.”

She also doesn’t allow phones in restaurants or at the dinner table.

Monitoring Your Child Online

Know your teen’s passwords, advises Paquin. “If I can’t log in to one my children’s phones, the phone is taken away,” says Paquin. She cautions that many teens know how to make multiple accounts for one app. “Your child may have one Instagram for their parents to see and another account for their friends.”

She also advises: Be aware of what your teens are doing on any device that connects to the Internet, not just their smartphone; put Internet restrictions in your home; and keep the family computer in an open space.

Parents also need to use caution when using what Paquin calls “the parents’ social media” — Facebook.

“Parents should make profiles in Facebook private,” she says. “Your pictures of young children, vacation pictures, can be prime ground for pedophiles.”

Anne Wooten Green is a freelance writer based in Winston-Salem.
 


Apps That Can be Dangerousgirls-on-computer.jpg


Kik — An instant messaging app kids can use if they can’t text on their phone. Take a look at the history and who they are “kik-ing.” Kik users can also send photos.

Snapchat — An app that claims pictures posted only last 10 seconds. But screen shots can be taken of the photo and shared on other devices. SnapChat users can also send videos.

Ask.fm — A page that allows others to ask questions anonymously. Most parents don’t know their kids have an account, because they can use different user names and link them to an Instagram account. This page is where most cyberbullying takes place.

Whisper — A site that encourages users to share secrets. Kids post pictures and share secrets anonymously, as well as chat with other “whisperers.” Whisper reveals a user’s location.

Swipe — An app that allows users to create usernames and post pictures anonymously. It accesses all of the contacts on your child’s phone and then shares those pictures with their circle and their friends’ circles without ever knowing who is posting the picture. Paquin says Swipe “is a bully’s dream and a pedophile’s hunting ground.”

CocoPPa — An app that changes the looks of icons on a device. It can make the icons look like cute images and games, while hiding the real apps a teen might have on his or her phone.
 


Texting Acronyms You Need to Know

When your child sends a text, you may not have a clue of what it means. Here are examples of acronyms published by USA Today that parents need to be on the lookout for. See the complete list at usatoday.com/story/tech/columnist/komando/2015/01/02/texting-acronyms-parents/21098099.


Your Kid Has Something to Hide

CD9: Short for Code 9, which means parents are around.

KPC: Keeping Parents Clueless

PAL: Parents Are Listening

PAW: Parents Are Watching

POS: Parent Over Shoulder


Your Child’s Personal Information or Safety is at Risk

ASL: Age/Sex/Location

F2F: Face to Face (asking for a meeting or video chat)

MOOS: Member of the Opposite Sex

RU/18: Are You Over 18?

WYCM: Will You Call Me?


Your Child Shouldn’t be Involved

1174: Invited to a Wild Party

GNOC: Get Naked on Cam

IWSN: I Want Sex Now

NIFOC: Nude in Front of the Computer

TDTM: Talk Dirty to Me



Sites That Inform

Here are some websites recommended by Katie Overcash and Kate Paquin to educate parents. Some of the sites also offer services to monitor smartphone activity:

internetsafety101.org

afamilycoach.com

netlingo.com

staysafeonline.org

teensafe.com

cybersitter.com

mmguardian.com

Also, many phone service providers such as AT&T, Sprint and Verizon offer services you can add (for a fee) that monitor smartphone activity.

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Cost: FREE. Registration is not required.

Where:
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View map »


Telephone: 919-662-2850
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Cost: FREE. Registration is not required.

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Where:
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Our seventh annual food drive will be held during the month of November. All donations benefit the Food Bank of Central and Eastern North Carolina (www.foodbankcenc.org). We encourage you to get...

Cost: FREE. Registration is not required.

Where:
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4709 Ten-Ten Rd
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View map »


Telephone: 919-662-2850
Website »

More information

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Cost: FREE. Registration is not required.

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Cost: FREE. Registration is not required.

Where:
Crowder County Park
4709 Ten-Ten Rd
Apex, NC  27529
View map »


Telephone: 919-662-2850
Website »

More information

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Cost: FREE. Registration is not required.

Where:
Historic Yates Mill County Park
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Raleigh, NC  27603
View map »


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Cost: FREE. Registration is not required.

Where:
Historic Yates Mill County Park
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Raleigh, NC  27603
View map »


Telephone: 919-856-6675
Website »

More information

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Cost: FREE. Registration is not required.

Where:
Crowder County Park
4709 Ten-Ten Rd
Apex, NC  27529
View map »


Telephone: 919-662-2850
Website »

More information

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Our seventh annual food drive will be held during the month of November. All donations benefit the Food Bank of Central and Eastern North Carolina (www.foodbankcenc.org). We encourage you to get...

Cost: FREE. Registration is not required.

Where:
Crowder County Park
4709 Ten-Ten Rd
Apex, NC  27529
View map »


Telephone: 919-662-2850
Website »

More information

We will be conducting a food drive during the month of November. All donations benefit the Food Bank of Central and Eastern North Carolina (www.foodbankcenc.org). We encourage you to get involved...

Cost: FREE. Registration is not required.

Where:
Historic Yates Mill County Park
4620 Lake Wheeler Road
Raleigh, NC  27603
View map »


Telephone: 919-856-6675
Website »

More information

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View map »


Website »

More information

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View map »


Website »

More information

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Cost: $5-$12

Where:
Emerson Waldorf School
6211 New Jericho Road
Brown Wing
Chapel Hill, NC  27516
View map »


Website »

More information

It’s the summer before the 1904 World’s Fair and the three Smith sisters are filled with anticipation. But the year brings turmoil as family life interferes with their newfound chances...

Cost: Adults: $15 Seniors: $10 Students and children: $5 Family 4-pack

Where:
William Peace University, Kenan Auditorium
15 E Peace St
Raleigh, NC  27604
View map »


Sponsor: William Peace University
Contact Name: Charles Machalicky
Website »

More information

Show More...
Show Less...

We will be conducting a food drive during the month of November. All donations benefit the Food Bank of Central and Eastern North Carolina (www.foodbankcenc.org). We encourage you to get involved...

Cost: FREE. Registration is not required.

Where:
Historic Yates Mill County Park
4620 Lake Wheeler Road
Raleigh, NC  27603
View map »


Telephone: 919-856-6675
Website »

More information

Our seventh annual food drive will be held during the month of November. All donations benefit the Food Bank of Central and Eastern North Carolina (www.foodbankcenc.org). We encourage you to get...

Cost: FREE. Registration is not required.

Where:
Crowder County Park
4709 Ten-Ten Rd
Apex, NC  27529
View map »


Telephone: 919-662-2850
Website »

More information

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Cost: $12-$27

Where:
Fletcher Theater, Duke Energy Center for the Performing Arts
2 E. South St.
Raleigh, NC  27601
View map »


Website »

More information

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Where:
Historic Yates Mill County Park
4620 Lake Wheeler Road
Raleigh, NC  27603
View map »


Telephone: 919-856-6675
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More information

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Cost: $8/resident, $10/nonresident

Where:
Stevens Nature Center/Hemlock Bluffs
2616 Kildaire Farm Rd.
Cary, NC
View map »


Telephone: 919-387-5980
Website »

More information

Talented dance students perform the lavishly staged holiday ballet alongside guest artists from Carolina Ballet. Show times are at noon and 5 p.m. All ages. Purchase tickets online.

Cost: $12-$27

Where:
Fletcher Theater, Duke Energy Center for the Performing Arts
2 E. South St.
Raleigh, NC  27601
View map »


Website »

More information

Come share the excitement as Park West Village hosts Winter Wonderland in The District. Kids of all ages will enjoy our Magical Winter Lights Paintscaping, featuring colorful holiday lights...

Cost: Free

Where:
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Village Market Place
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Sponsor: Park West Village
Contact Name: Conner
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East Cloud Kungfu hosts a Parent's Night Out event, featuring a safe environment for kids as they about the wide world of kungfu.   Check it out!...

Cost: $25 first child, $20 each additional child

Where:
East Cloud Kungfu, LLC
5655-A Western Blvd
Raleigh, NC  27606
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Sponsor: East Cloud Kungfu, LLC
Telephone: 252-646-7053
Contact Name: Imari Colon
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Transformative stories through the mists of time adapted from "1001 Arabian Nights" and performed by Emerson's 10th grade class.  Recommended for audiences age 10 and up. For...

Cost: $5-$12

Where:
Emerson Waldorf School
6211 New Jericho Road
Brown Wing
Chapel Hill, NC  27516
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It’s the summer before the 1904 World’s Fair and the three Smith sisters are filled with anticipation. But the year brings turmoil as family life interferes with their newfound chances...

Cost: Adults: $15 Seniors: $10 Students and children: $5 Family 4-pack

Where:
William Peace University, Kenan Auditorium
15 E Peace St
Raleigh, NC  27604
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Sponsor: William Peace University
Contact Name: Charles Machalicky
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Annual Guides

Education Guide

The 2019-20 Education Guide offers 718 education resources in the Triangle, including area preschools, private schools, public school systems, charter schools, boarding schools and academic resources.

The Triangle Go-To Guide

Our Triangle Go-To Guide connects you to family fun resources across the Triangle. In our 2019-20 issue, explore 1,028 resources for family fun.